Plastics continue worrying trend of losing cricket matches in the vicinity of Alexandra Palace26/7/2018 What’s the plural of octopus? It’s a question that lexicographers have long since wrestled with: ‘octopi’, ‘octopuses’, and even ‘octopodes’ form the three alternatives, with each claiming superiority through an etymology in either ancient Greek or Latin. It was therefore with great enthusiasm that the Plastics XI travelled en masse (apart from Peter) this past Sunday to a field which lay in the shadow of Alexandra Palace to face Octopus CC - and more importantly, to find some answers. This was to be Leo’s final game for the Plastics before moving away, and so with great reluctance Charlie was persuaded to hand over the captaincy reigns, for this match at least. This decision proved to be an instant success as Leo won the toss and chose to bowl, meaning that by a shockingly prompt 1:30pm, the game was underway, with Jerry and Simon opening the bowling. Despite bowling some troubling lines and awkward lengths (sometimes even at the same time), the two Octopus openers took their team to 50/0 by the 10th over - the Plastics were desperate for a wicket, and so threw the ball to the man with the golden arm, Jamie Doy. He did not disappoint. On the 6th ball of the 10th over, Jamie struck: The batsman mistiming it to Alex at cover, for his 5th consecutive catch for the Plastics. Matt soon joined Jamie, inducing not one but two nicks in his first over which sailed tantalisingly between slip and keeper, making him very cross. This anger fuelled much of his first bowling spell; his first four overs comprising almost exclusively of either complete whiffs from the batsmen, or sixes struck by the remaining opener who had by now very much got his eye in. Undeterred (and perhaps even angrier), he produced an absolute thunderball to clip the top of off stump and dismiss the Octopus no. 3, leaving Octopus CC 114/2 by the end of their 15th over. On then came Maithri and Pete Bish, with the latter determined to shake off any suggestion of being nicknamed Dr. No-Ball after an uncharacteristically varied performance against Cumnor Challengers. This he did with aplomb, bowling a tight first two overs and claiming the scalp of the Octopus no. 4 with the help of a particularly safe catch from Robert (a highpoint in Bishop/Bishop relations for the day – more on this later). It was here that the game settled into a rhythm that would last until the 29th over, with some canny captaincy on Leo’s behalf depriving the remaining opener of much of the strike. Come the 29th over, the scene was set with Octopus batsman no. 1 on 97*, Simon bowling, and the field spread. A lofted cover drive appeared at first to be going straight to Alex who was positioned on the boundary, however it soon became apparent that the ball was dropping rather quickly and was going to land short. Despite Alex’s best efforts the ball narrowly evaded his hands as he was running in from the boundary, and crossed the rope, bringing up the batsman’s century in bittersweet fashion. Alex shouldn’t feel bad; he had a license to spill after his incredible recent catching record for the Plastics, and indeed all was not lost as Simon got his man 2 balls later. The rest of the innings was well contained by the Plastics: Jamie and Pete collecting an extra wicket each, meaning that the Plastics were set a target of 255 to chase in 35 overs – a hefty total, but not far beyond par, it was thought. Tea first though, which was a cracker, as particularly noted by an unnamed Plastics batsman who took the liberty of starting post-match drinks at the half way mark, courtesy of the pavilion bar. Leo and Charlie were the two Plastics given the unenviable job of opening the batting, and they made their way out to the middle knowing that they had a mammoth task on their shoulders. That undertaking did not get any easier when the Octopus opening bowler was revealed to be a left arm inswinger who could straighten the ball prodigiously. Leo was rapped on the pads early and devastatingly given out by the umpire: it was not the way his testimonial deserved to be ended, but it represented just the start of the Plastic’s batting woes. Robert and Charlie both looked to have made solid starts before getting out in increasingly unfortunate circumstances, with Robert mistiming one to cover, and Charlie dragging one on off the inswinger. Maithri uncharacteristically followed suit, and the spectre of the Plastics’s lowest ever score of 52 all out was very much at the forefront of everyone’s minds as the scoreboard displayed 23-4 after 9 overs. Alex was now at the crease however, and he made his intentions to hit the living daylights out of most of the balls coming his way very clear from the off. The Alex/Pete Bish partnership was responsible for adding a quickfire 20 runs to the total before Pete was dramatically ruled LBW by his brother. As you may have guessed by now, this represented the lowpoint in the Bishop/Bishop saga, with Pete adamant that the ball was going over the top, and Robert adamant that Pete shall respect the umpire’s authority and get off the pitch. Peter then joined Alex at the crease and the pair enjoyed almost five overs together before Alex found himself cruelly caught on 35, just when the century was starting to come into view. His strike rate was a lofty 152.17; a number to be remembered when Peter’s is revealed lower down. Jerry then took his turn at the crease, and together him and Peter dug down and attempted to see off a few balls. It was another five overs before Peter found himself bowled by a booming inswinger, out for a stoic 2 off 34 balls – that’s a strike rate of 5.88; a disciplined innings, in recognition of the precarious position that the Plastics found themselves in when he walked to the crease – something that Alex can learn from. Jerry and Matt then enjoyed something of a harum-scarum time together, scoring all of their runs behind square, and muddying the distinction between an edge and a ramp. After ‘maneuvering’ a shot between keeper and slip, Matt took the second opportunity to live and let fly at most balls coming his way, on route to a personal-best 35 runs over three partnerships, as Simon and Jamie watched on. The Plastics crossed the 100 mark during the 26th over, as Simon and Matt continued to impose significant scoreboard pressure – the first ball of the over being dispatched for 4, and the rest of it going for four byes only. This was not to last however as Simon came a cropper the next over (bowled), and Matt followed just 10 balls later, leaving Jamie stranded on his way to what would surely have been a maiden Plastics 50, and leaving the Plastics all out for 127. A loss by 128 runs then – but all was not lost; during their fielding efforts the 11 representatives of Octopus CC regularly pointed out that the plural of octopus was in fact none of the three aforementioned alternatives, but instead ‘octopussies’. Octopussies. We shall be forwarding this information to the Oxford English dictionary posthaste.
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"Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun" - Noel Coward
London is in the midst of a record-breaking heatwave, so conditions at Wandsworth Common were almost Caribbean for what has been dubbed London’s most hotly contested cricket derby - Plastics v Hendricks. Plastics previously played on this pitch for the pre-season intra-Plastics grudge match in what could only be described as sub-zero conditions - so to see the park as dry and parched as this was something behold. The square has been pretty poorly attended to over the summer months - and a quick pre-match inspection revealed that it would be a tricky wicket to play on. Huge scores were not going to be the order of the day, but steady, sensible batting and bowling would see a winning result for whoever could keep a cool head in the hot weather. Whether by design or happy accident, Captain Bradbury elected for Plastics to bat first; an unusual treat for the team who are more used to giving the opposition a fair chance to create a target for Plastics to chase, but some clever strategising around having to run around chasing the ball for 35 overs in the heat would wear down Hendricks and Plastics would be able to mop up their innings easily. Spirits were high in the shade as Leo and Mr Robert walked out to open the batting. Immediately it was clear that the conditions were going to have an impact on the game. A bit of shaky bowling caught Leo on the wrists a few times. Bouncers rained into Mr Robert's body - thank heavens for boxes - and run scoring was tentative and low. Some strong single running and a few prodded defensive shots saw the total slowly climb to 17, but then the curse of the pitch struck again - a ball that seemingly looked sweet to swing at for a 4 stayed low under Mr Robert's bat to hit the stumps. A cheap wicket to lose, but a steady start to the day. 17-1 off 5 overs. Alex was next to the crease. Conditions looked ideal for him to get into his stride and power on to a record score. But the still ever slow run rate hampered his time facing the bowlers. Leo took a ball to the pads in a seemingly innocuous fashion, but cries of HOWZAT from the Hendricks swayed Umpire Webb (Umpire Oliver? Ed) into giving what could be described as harsh decision. But the day still looked like it had promise. 21-2 off 6 overs. In stepped Michael Winter, but no sooner had Mike found his feet dealing with a few prodded balls up in front of him to steady the nerves until again a ball that on any other pitch would have sat up nicely to be tonked out to the off field for a pacey 4 runs this time decided to not bounce again and under the toe of the bat see the stumps rattled again. 21-3 from 6 overs. The sidelines had been rattled by the quick fall of a few wickets so a steady head was needed to come on and steer the innings onto a straight road - so it was unfortunate that due to the unique was the Plastics batting order is chosen that up next was Matt "Hosepipe" Webb. Proudly marching to the wicket with an uncharacteristic lack of bloodied knees and his bald pate protected from the relentless summer sun by his glorious bandana, he cut a fine shape as he swung, missed, and immediately returned to the pavilion. 23-4 off 8 overs. Now talking entirely in hushed tones, the team sent out Jerry to deal a blow to the rush of blood that Hendricks were now feeling. Jerry and Alex at the bat should by rights instil fear in any of our opponents this season. Both are strong with the bat and calm in the head and the runs started to come. A sprinkling of fours, a few swishes at bouncers, some steady heads to keep those balls that didn’t bounce at bay. The runs increased, the score board ticked on, the day looked settled. Why then, dear reader, would Jerry call for a single to a shot that was only cut off to Gully? Those watch from the boundary even gasped as the call was heard loud and clear. "He's never called for a single off that!", "They won't make it!", "The fielder has already returned the ball!" A true moment of time appearing to slow down saw the wicket hit with Alex still a yard or so from reaching the crease. A stunned silence greeted Alex back at the boundary. 55/5 from 13 overs. Peter to the crease with the weight of the world on his shoulders and rallying shouts from the team following him. Jerry had calmed himself and was racking up some good runs now. 60 and 70 came easily, helped by a lot of extras from the bumpy pitch. But Jerry again saw the red mist of a potential high score to swish wildly at a dabbler. 72/6 from 15 overs. The sun and pitch had played havoc with the game so far. Absolutely bang-average bowling, plenty of extras help the score to look less embarrassing, but anything that was bowled straight and on a good length was lethal under these conditions. Captain Bradbury entered at 8th again facing tricky bowling off the surface, prodding around looking to find any openings. Peter fell at 84/7 from 17 overs and Charlie followed shortly afterwards at 86/8 off 18. A distinct aura of dejection accompanied their walks back to the pavilion. The pairing of Maithri and Jevs faced the next few balls. Wide, Straight, Wide, straight came the bowling. Jevs swung at a few down the leg side, Maithri looked strong dealing with the flat deliveries. Barely halfway through the innings - this should have been a chance to take a moment, breathe deeply, keep an eye on the sun, tire the fielders out but again Jevs, after dealing with a few balls competently switched off. Seeing the chance to make a name for himself, he closed his eyes and swung for a 6, but the slower delivery slipped under the bat and took out middle stump. Barely any more on the scoreboard. 89/9 from 20 overs. The 100 was looking perilously far away. From the bravado of the morning, to here had been short in time, but long in learnings. Jamie and Maithri finished off the lacklustre performance limping over the 100 line. Maithri, in a desperate attempt to up the score, swung at a few as they flew past - finally succumbing to a moon ball chipped to silly mid-off. 107 all out from 23 overs is not a pretty sight. The morning's talk of 180, 200, 250+ scores making us all feel a little silly. ----- Still, an early lunch is by no means a disaster when shared with Hendricks. By benefit of having interested partners, they are known to bring some homemade food to eat, rather than the "Tesco meal deal" specials of the Plastics bachelor classes. A triumphant rolled sponge was presently and devoured by the hungry masses. The 4 different kinds of hummus were attacked and even the much-ridiculed "Have you just brought a baguette" comments looked a mockery as hungry hands tore it apart and at it with gusto. Alex's homemade egg sandwiches were unfortunately perhaps not ideal for the warm conditions - but I enjoyed them nonetheless. ----- Because Plastics had not batted out their overs and seen off the hot mid-day weather, the heat was still stiflingly hot as the field was taken for Hendricks innings. Captain Bradbury delivered inspiring words - called it as it stood - "Lads, keep it tight, keep it straight, its doing all sorts off the pitch, this is still winnable if we're clever". Strong advice under the circumstances and the side felt geed up despite setting a low target. Opening bowlers Jamie Doy and Captain Bradbury were tasked with taking the shine off the ball so that the big guns of Jevs and Maithri could come in and clean up. They started their task with aplomb. A opening over by Doy showed Hendricks what Plastics were made of - tight bowling, minimal extras. Bradbury complimented the opening over with 5 terrific balls in line only to be thwacked for a glorious 6 over Mid-on. Even Ollie the batsman seemed surprised at how pleasingly the ball cut through the air. Not to be put off Doy attacked again. The tricky pitch conditions playing their part - balls hitting pads and bodies. Appeals going left and right But then A WICKET! Ollie neatly bowled trying to swing for another 6. First blood had been tasted, a wicket maiden no less - but a result looked a long way off. 7/1 from 3 overs. Doy and Bradbury plugged away again. Slow going from Hendricks. A ball flipped up off the hard surface, edging the bat off to Alex at square leg, caught safely to claim another wicket. 13/2 from 4 overs. Not to be out done, Bradbury chased the next wicket. Dot ball after hot ball after dot ball rained down on the batsmen. Singles were rare, fours noticeable by their absence and good cricket shapes in the field were keeping Hendricks to a minimum. Bradbury takes another wicket - "ALEX'S BALL" shouts Alex to avoid any chance of clash of fielders. No sooner had he complained that he wasn’t getting enough action in the field that everything was heading his way today. 17/3 from 9 overs. Hendricks's opening batsman was still at the wicket though, and had begun to get his eye in. A change in the bowling could be an option to try and get him out. Maithri from the Tennis end, Jevs from the Park end attacked. Dot, dot, dot, single, dot, dot, double, dot. The heat takes its toll on both sides. Minds drift and a fielding mistake falls to a four. The score slowly climbs. Chances of a Plastics win start to look less likely. 25 comes, 35 comes, 40 is scored. Then the pressure bites - Hendricks swing at a few but finally a wicket is taken. It was a slog to get to this. 43/4 from 16 overs. Another talking to from the captain. Drinks are drunk, shade is sought. A dashing specimen of a man heads out to bat. Plastics don’t know much about Hendricks batting form so there's no way to tell if we're into the tail enders yet. But it doesn’t matter to Maithri - he throws one down the track. It bounces, is swung at and is caught behind for a duck. 44/5 from 17. A chance. NOT TODAY screams Maithri as he bounds down again. ANOTHER wicket is taken. 44/6 from 17. Can it be? The bowling switches around for a few overs. Jerry is on to soften up the middle order. "Throw some stingers down" is the advice. But the pitch is not helping anymore. The ball sits up and singles turn into doubles turn into fours. A race is on to the end. Jevs is back for a second spell. Disappointed to not get a wicket in his first few overs his efforts are doubled. No one wants to go home without a wicket from this pitch. A few swats from the batsman and then a dead straight ball splits the leg and the bat to take the wicket. A triumph and a relief. 69/7 from 23 overs. Plastics regroup in the centre. "This might be on" Captain Bradbury says. "Keep your heads and your wits about you". Webb is on to soften them up alongside Jerry. Balls go in all directions off this pitch. But, as a whole, Plastics bowling has been tight and disciplined. Bradbury returns to bowl a few. That opening batsman is still holding out. Then a ball too good to not be hit for 6 is hit directly to Alex. The ball is plucked from the air. The team cheers. 87/8 from 27 overs. Maithri takes another quick wicket. 87/9 from 28 overs. Surely, it's coming home now? We're now well into the tail enders. Both batsmen can feel the weight of the game on their shoulders. For Hendricks - a defeat snatched from the jaws of victory, For Plastics a glorious bowling performance to make any team proud. But again, we are still high in the day and the heat is still beating down. The batsman swings at a bouncing ball. As if in slow motion is heads straight up. Everything slows down. All the fields hands stretch out to catch the balls. All except Peter at the wicket - who, by a cruel trick of perspective sees the ball disappearing away from him. The ball drops, almost landing back on top of the wicket. Hands are on heads. A chance gone. But it's still match point to Plastics. There's still 20 needed from this last wicket partnership. Another swing, another looping ball, Jerry scrambles, a yelp from the boundary, but Jerry doesn’t make it. The ball kicks up dust as it hits the ground. Another chance gone. Everyone wants to be the bowler that takes the match winning wicket. But not one wants to be the bowler than concedes the match losing runs. A maiden is bowled. Plastic minds turn to the possibility that Hendricks might not be scoring quick enough to win. Maybe they’ll run out of overs without the need to take the last wicket. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But still Hendricks slog on. Single, dot, single, dot. Plastics can't keep the weaker batsman on strike long enough to cause any damage. Cheap runs are lost. Until the inevitable happens - the most painful blow is dealt as the ball runs over the boundary for four. The match is lost. Cumnor Challengers 245-4 (Lux 67, Lee 50, Jerry 2-40) vs Plastics XI 202 all out (Alex 71, Mark 28, Rishi 4-40ish)
A record-breaking batting performance wasn’t enough for the Plastics to chase down the (probably) record-breaking target set by Cumnor Challengers. Communication and Uber issues meant that the Plastics arrived late, with the captain later still. Undeterred Mark, as vice-captain, lost the toss on Charlie’s behalf. This didn’t sit well with the squad, mutterings began which suggested that the VC should be the club's highest run scorer, or if he isn’t available, net champion. This will surely be actioned at the next AGM. The 30-over affair began promptly at 13:34. Jerry opened the bowling from the football pitch end, bowling with impressive pace and generating exciting bounce. He was pumped, bowling as if he had been listening to Eye of the Tiger on repeat for the past 3 hours. He grabbed an early wicket from a bouncer bottom edged onto the stumps by the batsman. This proved to be a bad decision as it brought in the next, better batsman - Lux. In the meantime, Jamie was bowling accurately and left handedly from the Tractor End, opening with a maiden and finishing his 3 over spell in economical fashion. Both could have got more wickets, had the catching from debutant James Heis or the calling between ‘Not Mine’ Robert, Peter and a third player been better. Maithri and Peter (Bish) came on as 1st and 2nd change bowlers and kept it tight for the next 4 overs, meaning that after 10 overs Cumnor were on a solid, but unspectacular 58(ish)-0. The Plastics players were then fed squash by the opposition, this proved to be the turning point in the game. The (alleged) ecstasy laced in the squash caused Pete (Bish) to bowl an 11-ball over, followed by a 9-ball over. A player who usually bowls with the accuracy of Glenn McGrath was bowling with the accuracy of Glenn McGrath - but whose arms had been replaced with those of a tortoise. Simon got a wicket with his first ball - an apparent slower ball, but the fielding from that point deteriorated further, even for the Plastics. This 10-over period went at over 10 runs per over. Things could have improved had a certain LBW been given following an outstanding ball from Charlie, but it wasn’t to be. Drinks were taken, a period of reflection was required. In the last 10, Cumnor looked to up the run rate further. But impressive bowling from Jerry, Jamie and Maithri (who together, in the match, conceded just 105 runs from their 18 overs) limited this. Jamie pulled off an impressive catch to help Maithri to a wicket, while Jerry questionably got Lux caught behind - perhaps the umpire’s attempt to make up for his earlier mistake. The last 10 overs went at around 8 an over, meaning a steep target of 246 was set. The players went to lunch. Football was on, food was out - what wasn’t to like? The cricket then restarted. Peter and Robert opened for Plastics - their aim to take the shine off the new ball and get some early runs on the board. Peter and Robert started brightly against Cumnor’s best bowlers before the runs started to dry up a little. Peter got out for 11 of 21 balls, bowled in the 7th over, trying to push for faster runs. When Alex came out to bat the score was 18-0 off 7 overs. The Plastics needed to go at 10 an over for the next 23. Robert (12 off 31 balls) started to try to hit the cover off the ball, but too, got bowled by a good one. James Heis, a ringer, then came out to bat. Fresh from not playing cricket for the last 3 years, he looked in excellent touch - stroking 3 glorious fours through the off-side. Alex too had started to hit the ball well, with a number of above-waist no balls being slogged for six. An impressive partnership had been formed, even the running between the wickets was good! These two scored 70 runs from their 7 over partnership, before James (20 off 16) was cruelly bowled by a good ball. The non-striker was partly to blame, stating incorrectly the bowler was a leg-spinner. In fact, he was a leg-spinner who sometimes bowls off spin. Mark came in and helped to continue the momentum of the previous partnership, stroking four 4s and a fantastic 6 on the offside. Soon after, Alex (71 of 47 balls) got out caught and bowled. This was largely due to overconfidence caused by a successful off-side shot earlier in the game. Mark soon followed, getting caught in the deep. This was despite hearing Lux state he was going to go to deep mid-off as he expected Mark (28 off 21 balls) to hit a catch there. When Mark was out with 7 overs left, 75 runs were required. Despite cameos from Charlie, who hit a quick fire 15 off 11, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jamieson (who scooped every other ball in his 12 of 8 balls), and Maithri (9 off 9 balls) the scorecard pressure resulted in too many wickets. The Plastics achieved 202 all out. This was a record-breaking batting performance in a number of ways:
It was therefore an admiral performance, just not a winning one. |
THE TEAMFormed from a collection of players who met on the internet via social cricket at Archbishop's Park, Plastics XI represents the foolhardy members of that group who decided they wanted a bash at proper cricket instead of playing with plastic balls. The team's ability is best described as "weak-weak". Luckily, our social media game is much stronger. Find us on: Archives
October 2021
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