"Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun" - Noel Coward
London is in the midst of a record-breaking heatwave, so conditions at Wandsworth Common were almost Caribbean for what has been dubbed London’s most hotly contested cricket derby - Plastics v Hendricks. Plastics previously played on this pitch for the pre-season intra-Plastics grudge match in what could only be described as sub-zero conditions - so to see the park as dry and parched as this was something behold. The square has been pretty poorly attended to over the summer months - and a quick pre-match inspection revealed that it would be a tricky wicket to play on. Huge scores were not going to be the order of the day, but steady, sensible batting and bowling would see a winning result for whoever could keep a cool head in the hot weather. Whether by design or happy accident, Captain Bradbury elected for Plastics to bat first; an unusual treat for the team who are more used to giving the opposition a fair chance to create a target for Plastics to chase, but some clever strategising around having to run around chasing the ball for 35 overs in the heat would wear down Hendricks and Plastics would be able to mop up their innings easily. Spirits were high in the shade as Leo and Mr Robert walked out to open the batting. Immediately it was clear that the conditions were going to have an impact on the game. A bit of shaky bowling caught Leo on the wrists a few times. Bouncers rained into Mr Robert's body - thank heavens for boxes - and run scoring was tentative and low. Some strong single running and a few prodded defensive shots saw the total slowly climb to 17, but then the curse of the pitch struck again - a ball that seemingly looked sweet to swing at for a 4 stayed low under Mr Robert's bat to hit the stumps. A cheap wicket to lose, but a steady start to the day. 17-1 off 5 overs. Alex was next to the crease. Conditions looked ideal for him to get into his stride and power on to a record score. But the still ever slow run rate hampered his time facing the bowlers. Leo took a ball to the pads in a seemingly innocuous fashion, but cries of HOWZAT from the Hendricks swayed Umpire Webb (Umpire Oliver? Ed) into giving what could be described as harsh decision. But the day still looked like it had promise. 21-2 off 6 overs. In stepped Michael Winter, but no sooner had Mike found his feet dealing with a few prodded balls up in front of him to steady the nerves until again a ball that on any other pitch would have sat up nicely to be tonked out to the off field for a pacey 4 runs this time decided to not bounce again and under the toe of the bat see the stumps rattled again. 21-3 from 6 overs. The sidelines had been rattled by the quick fall of a few wickets so a steady head was needed to come on and steer the innings onto a straight road - so it was unfortunate that due to the unique was the Plastics batting order is chosen that up next was Matt "Hosepipe" Webb. Proudly marching to the wicket with an uncharacteristic lack of bloodied knees and his bald pate protected from the relentless summer sun by his glorious bandana, he cut a fine shape as he swung, missed, and immediately returned to the pavilion. 23-4 off 8 overs. Now talking entirely in hushed tones, the team sent out Jerry to deal a blow to the rush of blood that Hendricks were now feeling. Jerry and Alex at the bat should by rights instil fear in any of our opponents this season. Both are strong with the bat and calm in the head and the runs started to come. A sprinkling of fours, a few swishes at bouncers, some steady heads to keep those balls that didn’t bounce at bay. The runs increased, the score board ticked on, the day looked settled. Why then, dear reader, would Jerry call for a single to a shot that was only cut off to Gully? Those watch from the boundary even gasped as the call was heard loud and clear. "He's never called for a single off that!", "They won't make it!", "The fielder has already returned the ball!" A true moment of time appearing to slow down saw the wicket hit with Alex still a yard or so from reaching the crease. A stunned silence greeted Alex back at the boundary. 55/5 from 13 overs. Peter to the crease with the weight of the world on his shoulders and rallying shouts from the team following him. Jerry had calmed himself and was racking up some good runs now. 60 and 70 came easily, helped by a lot of extras from the bumpy pitch. But Jerry again saw the red mist of a potential high score to swish wildly at a dabbler. 72/6 from 15 overs. The sun and pitch had played havoc with the game so far. Absolutely bang-average bowling, plenty of extras help the score to look less embarrassing, but anything that was bowled straight and on a good length was lethal under these conditions. Captain Bradbury entered at 8th again facing tricky bowling off the surface, prodding around looking to find any openings. Peter fell at 84/7 from 17 overs and Charlie followed shortly afterwards at 86/8 off 18. A distinct aura of dejection accompanied their walks back to the pavilion. The pairing of Maithri and Jevs faced the next few balls. Wide, Straight, Wide, straight came the bowling. Jevs swung at a few down the leg side, Maithri looked strong dealing with the flat deliveries. Barely halfway through the innings - this should have been a chance to take a moment, breathe deeply, keep an eye on the sun, tire the fielders out but again Jevs, after dealing with a few balls competently switched off. Seeing the chance to make a name for himself, he closed his eyes and swung for a 6, but the slower delivery slipped under the bat and took out middle stump. Barely any more on the scoreboard. 89/9 from 20 overs. The 100 was looking perilously far away. From the bravado of the morning, to here had been short in time, but long in learnings. Jamie and Maithri finished off the lacklustre performance limping over the 100 line. Maithri, in a desperate attempt to up the score, swung at a few as they flew past - finally succumbing to a moon ball chipped to silly mid-off. 107 all out from 23 overs is not a pretty sight. The morning's talk of 180, 200, 250+ scores making us all feel a little silly. ----- Still, an early lunch is by no means a disaster when shared with Hendricks. By benefit of having interested partners, they are known to bring some homemade food to eat, rather than the "Tesco meal deal" specials of the Plastics bachelor classes. A triumphant rolled sponge was presently and devoured by the hungry masses. The 4 different kinds of hummus were attacked and even the much-ridiculed "Have you just brought a baguette" comments looked a mockery as hungry hands tore it apart and at it with gusto. Alex's homemade egg sandwiches were unfortunately perhaps not ideal for the warm conditions - but I enjoyed them nonetheless. ----- Because Plastics had not batted out their overs and seen off the hot mid-day weather, the heat was still stiflingly hot as the field was taken for Hendricks innings. Captain Bradbury delivered inspiring words - called it as it stood - "Lads, keep it tight, keep it straight, its doing all sorts off the pitch, this is still winnable if we're clever". Strong advice under the circumstances and the side felt geed up despite setting a low target. Opening bowlers Jamie Doy and Captain Bradbury were tasked with taking the shine off the ball so that the big guns of Jevs and Maithri could come in and clean up. They started their task with aplomb. A opening over by Doy showed Hendricks what Plastics were made of - tight bowling, minimal extras. Bradbury complimented the opening over with 5 terrific balls in line only to be thwacked for a glorious 6 over Mid-on. Even Ollie the batsman seemed surprised at how pleasingly the ball cut through the air. Not to be put off Doy attacked again. The tricky pitch conditions playing their part - balls hitting pads and bodies. Appeals going left and right But then A WICKET! Ollie neatly bowled trying to swing for another 6. First blood had been tasted, a wicket maiden no less - but a result looked a long way off. 7/1 from 3 overs. Doy and Bradbury plugged away again. Slow going from Hendricks. A ball flipped up off the hard surface, edging the bat off to Alex at square leg, caught safely to claim another wicket. 13/2 from 4 overs. Not to be out done, Bradbury chased the next wicket. Dot ball after hot ball after dot ball rained down on the batsmen. Singles were rare, fours noticeable by their absence and good cricket shapes in the field were keeping Hendricks to a minimum. Bradbury takes another wicket - "ALEX'S BALL" shouts Alex to avoid any chance of clash of fielders. No sooner had he complained that he wasn’t getting enough action in the field that everything was heading his way today. 17/3 from 9 overs. Hendricks's opening batsman was still at the wicket though, and had begun to get his eye in. A change in the bowling could be an option to try and get him out. Maithri from the Tennis end, Jevs from the Park end attacked. Dot, dot, dot, single, dot, dot, double, dot. The heat takes its toll on both sides. Minds drift and a fielding mistake falls to a four. The score slowly climbs. Chances of a Plastics win start to look less likely. 25 comes, 35 comes, 40 is scored. Then the pressure bites - Hendricks swing at a few but finally a wicket is taken. It was a slog to get to this. 43/4 from 16 overs. Another talking to from the captain. Drinks are drunk, shade is sought. A dashing specimen of a man heads out to bat. Plastics don’t know much about Hendricks batting form so there's no way to tell if we're into the tail enders yet. But it doesn’t matter to Maithri - he throws one down the track. It bounces, is swung at and is caught behind for a duck. 44/5 from 17. A chance. NOT TODAY screams Maithri as he bounds down again. ANOTHER wicket is taken. 44/6 from 17. Can it be? The bowling switches around for a few overs. Jerry is on to soften up the middle order. "Throw some stingers down" is the advice. But the pitch is not helping anymore. The ball sits up and singles turn into doubles turn into fours. A race is on to the end. Jevs is back for a second spell. Disappointed to not get a wicket in his first few overs his efforts are doubled. No one wants to go home without a wicket from this pitch. A few swats from the batsman and then a dead straight ball splits the leg and the bat to take the wicket. A triumph and a relief. 69/7 from 23 overs. Plastics regroup in the centre. "This might be on" Captain Bradbury says. "Keep your heads and your wits about you". Webb is on to soften them up alongside Jerry. Balls go in all directions off this pitch. But, as a whole, Plastics bowling has been tight and disciplined. Bradbury returns to bowl a few. That opening batsman is still holding out. Then a ball too good to not be hit for 6 is hit directly to Alex. The ball is plucked from the air. The team cheers. 87/8 from 27 overs. Maithri takes another quick wicket. 87/9 from 28 overs. Surely, it's coming home now? We're now well into the tail enders. Both batsmen can feel the weight of the game on their shoulders. For Hendricks - a defeat snatched from the jaws of victory, For Plastics a glorious bowling performance to make any team proud. But again, we are still high in the day and the heat is still beating down. The batsman swings at a bouncing ball. As if in slow motion is heads straight up. Everything slows down. All the fields hands stretch out to catch the balls. All except Peter at the wicket - who, by a cruel trick of perspective sees the ball disappearing away from him. The ball drops, almost landing back on top of the wicket. Hands are on heads. A chance gone. But it's still match point to Plastics. There's still 20 needed from this last wicket partnership. Another swing, another looping ball, Jerry scrambles, a yelp from the boundary, but Jerry doesn’t make it. The ball kicks up dust as it hits the ground. Another chance gone. Everyone wants to be the bowler that takes the match winning wicket. But not one wants to be the bowler than concedes the match losing runs. A maiden is bowled. Plastic minds turn to the possibility that Hendricks might not be scoring quick enough to win. Maybe they’ll run out of overs without the need to take the last wicket. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But still Hendricks slog on. Single, dot, single, dot. Plastics can't keep the weaker batsman on strike long enough to cause any damage. Cheap runs are lost. Until the inevitable happens - the most painful blow is dealt as the ball runs over the boundary for four. The match is lost.
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THE TEAMFormed from a collection of players who met on the internet via social cricket at Archbishop's Park, Plastics XI represents the foolhardy members of that group who decided they wanted a bash at proper cricket instead of playing with plastic balls. The team's ability is best described as "weak-weak". Luckily, our social media game is much stronger. Find us on: Archives
October 2021
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